Currently Listening The Visit By Loreena McKennitt see related

Crushed

I sit here in this candlelight,

Wondering where my life has gone,

Pray for me darling because,

I see the angel in you and the devil in my glass.

A broken heart and a picture of you,

You were like a bright star on a black night,

Look for me darling because,

I see the angel in you and the devil in my glass.

A chorus of the damned in a firelight dance,

Could you have saved me from myself?

Pull me away darling because,

I see the angel in you and the devil in my glass.

Smoke is rising out of the darkness,

I can see your face no more,

Reach for me darling because,

I see the angel in you and the devil in my glass.

Lying in the dusty shallow grave,

I can feel you somewhere near my spirit,

Hold me tight my darling because,

I can see the angel in you and the devil in my glass.

The rain washes over stone and earth,

Can’t you hear me my darling?

I wanted you to know this day because,

Currently Listening Rainy Day Classics 4: Prelude for piano No. 15 in D flat major, Op. 28/15, CT. 180 see related

Of Unfinished Works & Worrisome Lifestyles...

It was 4am as Juka rose from his chair and extenguished a cigarette in the stone ashtray. He had been awake all night once again because his mind forced to stop working. His red-rimmed eyes blinking furiously at the smoke billowing around them and the traceable evidence of a night of drinking again to escape his own thoughts. The shadows always played his mind into a peaceful tizy, but at long last his mind started plotting against him. The voices became more real to him and he found himself answering them for once since they had started to haunt him. An hour more and he would need to be at work, 'fuck' he thought, 'if only I had made more coffee I would be awake by now'.

Walking into the bathroom he stopped and noticed his reflection. It was not the man he knew to be himself. In front of him was a pale, thin, and graying man which had dark eyes and hair that was mangled but calm in places. Was this who he had become or was this another hallucination? "I know you" said Juka, once again talking to himself, "You were there last night drinking with me".

Juka stepped out of the shower and took another sip of whiskey from a cup on the counter, 'this will be my only drink for the day', he promised himself silently, but he knew it would not and another night would be spent in the arms of himself writhing in his own mind to escape the pain and sorrow which seemed to hold him captive for so many years. He dressed and walked out the door with the faintest smell of whiskey on his breath into the dark morning which showed no signs of life except for the distant birdsong which almost seemed heavenly to his ears. He lit a cigarette and began the walk, exhaling into the black and seeing his usual path marked with damp cement and mud he decided to walk a different way today. Stopping and turning about he once again saw the thin, pale man staring him in the face. He walked through him as if he were not there and started to his office building. The office was 14 stories and all lights were out. The usual employees would not be here for another 2 hours when the sun was up and he could smell the heat rising from the pavement. The elevator ride was always the loneliest part, but he almost seemed to enjoy it more and more every day.

He walked to his desk, sat down, sipped his tea, and broek a piece of heavy bread while the radio played on in the background. This would be the highlight of his day until he walked home to talk to his imagination again in the darkness and smoke filled apartment that smelled of bourbon and stale cigarettes.

The shadows grew long on road from the buildings as Juka stepped out of his office. The smell of whiskey was on the air and he knew without cause he would need a drink soon as his hands were beginning to shake. If only he had left work earlier then he could have ridden with someone to the bar for happy hour instead of walking alone in the rain again. The drizzle slowed to a mist and coated his suit jacket and beard with dew. Juka pulled the brim of his fedora down over his eyes to block the incoming dew falling in his eyes.

Walking along the streets was different at night, due to the lack of people and activity. The street lights blinked into life and illuminated the thin layer of fog hanging over the city like a dampened loch in the dead of winter. Juka turned his eyes to the sky to see the stars, but the clouds had foiled them over again to make the night seem lonelier and more drab. 'It always seems to rain here' he though to himself, lighting up another cigarette. The smoke billowed out and seemed to float on forever until it disappeared into the evening tapestry like a blackened velvet backing to the world. His eyes flashed back and forth while walking again, intent that someone was indead following him. 'click, click, click' he heard behind him and spun to investigate, but he only saw the darkness and fog there. 'click, click, click' he heard again and spun back to where he was walking only to again find darkness and fog. "I'm losing my fucking mind!" he said, "This has to be my imagination playing tricks on me again."

He neared the tavern and the sounds and light inside made him wish he could enjoy life once again. The clicking behind him had stopped and he realized that the fog was causing an echo effect so he had only heard himself walking. It was then that he noticed the pale gaunt man through the window he had seen this morning with two glasses of whiskey sitting at a table by himself. This time he would find out who this was and put an end to the stalking that seemed to occur more frequently now.

He walked through the door just as the bartender began to announce the night's specials. Maker's Mark $2, Jaeger-bombs $4, bottled beers $2.75, and House wine $2.25. Juka walked up to the bar and ordered his usual Maker's, straight, with a dash of water. By now he had become accustomed to the loud women and bragging men who chased skirts as if it was going out of style. Dim lights, loud music, and wafts of smoke encircled the room as if some dull dusty attic filled with chainsmoking alcoholics straight out of a college frat party had just shown up out of the blue.

The night grew later and Juka began to wonder who the man was and why he was bothering him again, but he kept the seat at the bar and just sipped his drink slowly. He would soon be out of cigarettes so it was time to go back to the appartment and get some more. He threw two fingers in the air and muttered "tab out"...

Currently Listening Songs About Leaving By Carissa's Wierd 3. So You Want To Be A Superhero? see related

there's laughter from below
it's 1 am how could you have known
the thoughts of silence
that keep me from going
back to sleep at night
wish i could call someone i love
to stop thinking of myself
long look in the mirror,
just look so empty
you were right
i can't do this
i'm going crazy
it's fine by me
now you can see
how much i've become empty

It's amazing what sleep deprovation can do to you. Wierd thought of times passed and nostalgia from days which you did not think would be important. Thoughts that have meaning and control of your mind which flood through, keeping you from the thing you desire which is sleep. Non-Viscously traveling around in a muddled sea of time which cannot be fathomed even by those who understand and make the best of things. How can it be that such a small part of our body can control it so strongly? Is it decidedly so that those who cannot stop thinking will be doomed to insomnia for all eternity? It's 3AM I must be dreaming, but I sit a thousand miles from where my thoughts do lay. A vast expanse of air being pushed and pulled through lungs which have trouble breathing and do not work without effort for living. Letting go of the past and drinking seem to go hand in hand, but when the drining stops the past sneaks right back in and makes us think that we never forgot it to begin with. So pass me another Gin & Tonic and let me get back to remembering what I was supposed to forget in the first place.